To Madeline: Thank you for inspiring me.
Credits to the various songs some lines are from.
Come, I will give you Paradise. No pain. Come. Join us, in unending comfort
Far far away, find comfort in pain
“The hell is wrong with me, all I’ve been doing is wasting my time, wasting Mom’s money. She spends so much money, training me to be a superstar, a national swimmer. An excellent student. All I’ve done is failed her.” Zarroc shrieked in the solace of her room. “Misery” is your name, and you will cry tears which are everlasting.
A cold, metal blade, glistened with blood. Tears mingled in pain.
It is I, who’s failed you this time
Broken family… Broken family… What have you been doing… I’m so sorry! My child, my daughter, how could I do this to you? I loved you. You’ve been trying so hard and all I’ve ever done was to push you further. My love, my only… How could you ever be so cold?
Victoria’s mind raced as she continued to pore over stacks of contracts and agreements. Her work, the only thing that keeps her going.
Broken promises, false hopes high
You said that you would die for me. You, you, you turned my children against me, I hate you. Those vows, we made those eternal promises.
Kenneth entered the bar. “A double shot.”
“But of course. If you want something stronger, you could try going to the back of the bar.” Said the bartender carelessly.
“Do I look like I have a problem? Just because you serve out drinks, you think you can, you can just judge people? It’s not me with the problem! Its not me! It’s her! It’s all her! She did this to me!” Kenneth screamed.
The bartender served the double shot. “On the house, you need it. For an extra kick, I give you this.” The bartender handed Kenneth a small packet of white powder. Marijuana?
Perhaps… Another time… No, she never cared about you, why let your pain continue on for her?
You try your best, but you don’t succeed
Zarroc slammed the table angrily. Be more disciplined, it is almost 9 and you haven’t even done half the homework due! Tears streamed down her face. Her blade started to look friendly.
“Damn it! You’re a dumb addict! Just like Dad. Just like dad. You’re as miserable. As demanding and useless as he is!” Zarroc rambled on. Math test, biology test, music exam. It is indeed a wonder how Zarroc carries on. The blade, her only comfort, solace, friend, confidant, picks her up. When will this addiction become…
Anything in great quantities can be fatal.
There’s nothing that I’d want to do but try to make it up to you
Move along. When everything is wrong, you move along. Different people find comfort in different things. For Victoria, it was working. By working, it distracted her mind, distracted her from the numerous problems that she chose not to face up to, it acted as a shield.
But in front of this shield, this shield that was guarding Victoria, who would guard those that she loved from her ignorance?
“Victoria, it’s late. Almost 12 am, you should go home.” The security guard suggested kindly.
“No, still have problems. I still have work today. Leave me.” Victoria snapped.
Tell me I won’t feel a thing, so give me Novacaine
Still not back. Kenneth spat on the floor. What is the use of a wife, when she never came home?
You come home once a month, to scold me, to scold our only precious daughter, our only daughter Zarroc… Our daughter who hates me, who would never let me comfort her, though I know what deep inside is troubling her. You must live for me too, not for her, you chose me to share a life with. But what happened?
He opened the packet, and inhaled deeply. A light headed feeling clouded his mind.
Sorry, I can’t be perfect
“I’m sorry, Mum! I failed this test. I cramped during the swim meet, I failed my music exam! I wasn’t good enough!” Zarroc sobbed.
“You what! I’m out there, working till midnight and you let me down? You are using the computer too much. Watching too much television. Back to your books, back to your fitness, back to your practice. You have failed me and I am disappointed in you!” Victoria shouted at Zarroc and stormed angrily out of the room.
Zarroc picked up her razor blade and began to cut herself as she sang, “Tell me everything will be alright, tell me that you won’t just fade away…”
Her arm, besmirched with scars reminding her of her past. The pain released when blood was let out. What must she give for perfection, would she give up her sanity?
Tears stream, down your face, when you lose some one you cannot replace
I need more, the pain, it must be relieved. Where will I get my joy from? Kenneth slumped on the floor in his room. Victoria was still not back yet. Tears streamed down his face. He lost some one, who he loved too much.
“Since she’s not back yet, I’ll… go back to the bar. Get my supply. Now where does she keep her cursed money, that witch?” Kenneth laughed, an evil maniac laugh that echoed through the room.
Kenneth rushed to the drawer, scrambling to take the $1000 pay cheque. Ecstacy overtook his sadness. He ran out of the flat towards the bar.
“Bartender! Show me the pot!” Kenneth screamed.
“Hush, you’re gonna set the cops on us now. I’ll show ya, I’ll show ya.” The bartender quietened Kenneth. The bartender led Kenneth to the darkest spot of the bar.
“$1000 bucks, how much’ll that buy me? I need a lifetime of supply.”
“Buy our package of 400 ml, it costs a thousand dollars, but we’ll throw in 2ml for free.” The drug dealer spat.
“I’ll take whatever my money can buy! Give it! Give it to me!”
You’ll never know just what you’re worth
Zarroc almost fainted when she walked into her parents’ bedroom. The smell in the room was unbearable. It had not been cleaned in weeks, but what scared Zarroc the most was that limp body, in the corner of the room holding a packet with white residue.
“Kenneth! Wake up!” Zarroc shook Kenneth confusedly. She was not sad, nor worried in anyway. Kenneth never displayed any concern or understanding towards Zarroc, she never saw him as a father.
Zarroc called her mother. “Mom, Kenneth fainted in his room, I think he’s taking drugs.”
“Back to your books, I will take care of it.” Came the cold, brusque reply.
“No! I’m not going back to my books! I am finished!”
In a perfect world, this would never happen
“Kenneth? Hurt… I caused this, I… led him to take drugs. I was his downfall!” These thoughts raced through Victoria’s mind.
Victoria turned her thoughts from her husband and continued to work. Her work blinded her from pain, shielded her from this harsh reality she would never face up to.
What do I do to make you love me?
What is she doing… what… no ambulance coming; maybe I should call them… No! They might find out about my relief, my comfort, my blade. I won’t… But Kenneth is in trouble, even if I hated him… I should call, for Mom’s sake.
Another thought awakened in Zarroc’s mind. Why for Mom? No one ever helped you, what about your sake? If Kenneth dies, you will be so much happier.
“Shut up!” Zarroc shouted. She was tired of the voices in her mind, arguing on what she should do. She picked up the phone and dialed 911.
After five painful minutes, paramedics knocked on the door. Zarroc hastily opened the door, wiping away her tears. The paramedics loaded Kenneth onto the stretched and began the long climb down the stairs. Zarroc followed, however on the way down…
I’ll face myself, to cross out what I’ve become
Let mercy come, and wash away what I’ve done
“Hello? Is this Mrs Shur’tugal?” A woman’s voice rang throughout Victoria’s cell phone.
“Yes, what is the matter? I am a very busy woman, please do not bother me about trivial matters.”
“Your husband and daughter have been taken into the Intensive Care Unit. Please come to the hospital immediately.”
Victoria snapped shut her phone. She gazed out of the window for a long time.
Her intuition kicked in. “What is wrong with me? My husband… my daughter… what have I done?” Victoria left her office for the first time in a week. She drove to the hospital, tears blinding her vision. A sudden crash, an explosion, a woman left bleeding.
A pebble in the water has a ripple effect every action in this ripple bear a consequence
Di Di Di… The heart machine whirred. Kenneth’s heart was beating slowly, sometimes even close to a stop. His eyes opened. He looked to his left and saw his daughter, a bandage around her head. He closed his eyes, praying that he was dreaming.
“Zarroc Shur’tugal. Died at 4.50 pm. Cause of death? Blow to the head when she fell down the stairs” The medical personnel read off the list.
Zarroc… My… daughter… Dead? Where is Victoria, I’ll kill her, she didn’t protect Zarroc, she left us to die. Not even here.
“Is there an extra bed? We have woman, S8932 car license plate number! She’s bleeding profusely with multiple glass fragments stuck in her head! Quickly!” A medic ran in.
Victoria? Injured? She was coming! I… I’m so sorry. If I didn’t take those drugs… I wouldn’t need to be hospitalized… Zarroc wouldn’t have fallen down the stairs; Victoria wouldn’t be…
“Sorry… we took life support off her… She had 0.1% chance of survival. We did her a favour.” The nurse informed the doctor.
A single tear rolled down Kenneth’s cheek. Remorse filled up his entire soul. He wanted to die… wanted to take his own life.
How could I kill the people I loved the most? I am a murderer. I deserve to live in this pain. Not to kill myself to relieve it. I must be strong; I will carry on because I don’t belong in heaven.
I start again and whatever pain may come, today this ends.
Kenneth left the hospital a new man.
Would you know my name if saw you in heaven?
